maybe...says the breakig heart

I'm trying to get out of this deep dark cold and lonely hole I have put myself in. Unknowingly I fell head over heals in love with an idea that as each days passes becomes more of a want that I cant quite grasp. Its amazing how your heart can break over something that never existed in the first place. It's like being in love with someone you had a dream about... they never existed in reality but your heart breaks for them to just be real. My heartaches for this in my heart to just be real, for that line to confirm that all that I have wanted and all my prayers were not a waste of my mental energy. Maybe next month I say to myself... maybe its too early to tell. Maybe maybe... maybe... a heart breaks over ... a maybe

Looking back...while going forward

They all say that you should never look back while you are on a road going forward. My question is why? I am happy where I am, and sometimes happy is not even a fraction of how I feel. I love Lisa. She is the greatest thing that has ever happen to me, my savior my everything. Now I cant say that there have not been days where we have both questioned why we even tried. And we both have been with one foot out the door ready to leave, but even with both feet out our heart never followed in our footsteps. We have both made our mistakes in this some that I will never forget and some that were seemed impossible to forgive, but we both knew that the biggest regret would be letting it all go. I still look back and I keep a rear view mirror of my life in my pocket not to trance in memories but to remember where i never want to be again. Not to say before Lisa everything was horrible, it wasn't good, but this right NOW is so much better.
Now hopefully we will be starting a NEW journey together creating a family between us.

Damn those Ovulation Predictors

STUPID things...

Some things you should know in case you need to know that I didnt know that I needed to know.

1.) Don't use more than one ovulation predictor at different times of the day

2.) Don't second guess IF the line is dark enough.... it probably is.

3.) Don't spend 200 bucks on lil sticks you piss on then throw away

4.) Dont't buy your stuff (if you need to do that) until you are 100% ready and know you are going to ovulated SOON

5.) Take a valium

6.) take another

7.) have a drink watch some L Word and go to bed

The terrible...2's, no 3', no 4's... Just THE TERRIBLES

Toddlers... YUCK... so my daughter is 4, or maybe it is 14 some days I am just not sure anymore. She has reached the age where she has discovered the art of talking back or sassing. And she takes pride in the fact she is a pro. You tell her the sky is blue and she will argue until you give in to that it is not exactly blue but a shade of blue but at night it is black.
She has the way of making any normal situation a very difficult and challenging moment, however her expertise lies in doing it in an oh so cute way. You tell her no she can't she says PLEASE... how can you resist manners, but we hold our ground and then she does it again, and again, and again...
It is hard for me to punish her, I am not the punisher. I am just not good at it, at all. She cries I feel like crap, I know not a good thing. I am a softy I know. Lisa is the warden... she does the punishing... but even the warden gets beat down sometimes.
It is incredibly hard to punish a child that is so cute.
SO we put her in time out... she cries and cries and screams and defies. She knows she wins. Now there are times when we rank supreme in the house... its rare but we do. So why not... lets add another one to the mix.

A possesed dog

Meet Bella, my 6 month old puggle. Adorable huh? About 12 pounds now, the most loving loyal dog I have ever had. Minds her own, doesn't leach herself to you like most puppies. She is a great...BIG 12 pounds of pure terror. Well why, you ask. She leaves me in fear to come home and take in all the damages that have occurred in my absence. Once we left her in complete confidence the 80 pound dog downstairs was sure to tear up his part of this house and te tiny 1o pound bundle of cuddles would lay on the bed and nibble on her bone, eat bon bons and watch some TV, much to our surprise. We come home to an entire bedroom in shambles, a huge moving box turned over and all its contents spread on the floor, a laundry hamper turned over, a night stand completely flipped and drawers empty and one empty glass that once contained some leftover white Russian...and well one drunk doggie.
The worst part of it all is, it is so hard to even be mad at her. When she ate my brand new Uggs.. I wanted to kill her... but within seconds she sucked me back in with her viciously cute eyes and ended up getting cuddles. When she ate half the wall... I wanted to send her to mexico then she pouted and made ME feel like I ate the wall. When she ate 3 pair of my daughters brand new shoes... I wanted to make a purse out of her... but then she wagged her tail and she wagged her way back into my heart.
All in all everyone at some point wants to kill their 4 legged terror, but when its all said and done their puppy dog eyes wins us over every time.

Keep on trucking..

So it has been a week since the massive container has been sitting in our living room with our potential children frozen. It's almost heart breaking to look at it everyday wondering when we can awake them from their frosty slumber and squirt them into potential life. Our new addiction is the sticks that take your urine and turn it into a couple lines or a smiley face that we have yet to see. The lines are faint but yet dark it all turns into a very confusing process. Like one that will never end... meanwhile our potential child sleeps frozen in our living room. And I still have yet to answer the four year olds question of what exactly that big container contains. She seems to belive it is a secret surprise we are holding on to until she is a perfect angel for an entire day... in that case... it would be there for years and years to come.

It's not lost with Tom Hanks

So, apparently 2 day delivery with Fed Ex is really less than 24 hours long. And apparently the shipment didn't venture on a plane with Tom Hanks and get lost on an island. What would he do with sperm anyway? SO it arrived today at 11am all boxed up. Inside are 20 million little guys. Inside are 20 millions hopes that one just ONE will work. That just one with ensure a crying, screaming, pooping machine. And that just one will make the next 9 months pure hell of eating everything and slowly morphing from a petite woman into a massive whale. The idea of a baby while looking at donors seemed like such a distant thought. Like yeah... we will do this next month. And now its here. In 7 days or less... it will all begin.
You would think by doing this once before 4 years ago I wouldn't be nervous or scared, I mean its just a kid, right???? Wrong! It is a life that I and my wife are responsible for. Sure I have one already but she is already here. Can't get cold feet about her. But this is planned, thought out and we even had to shell out half a grand. Now only if everyone in humanity had to pay money to get pregnant maybe there would be less dead beat parents.