maybe...says the breakig heart

I'm trying to get out of this deep dark cold and lonely hole I have put myself in. Unknowingly I fell head over heals in love with an idea that as each days passes becomes more of a want that I cant quite grasp. Its amazing how your heart can break over something that never existed in the first place. It's like being in love with someone you had a dream about... they never existed in reality but your heart breaks for them to just be real. My heartaches for this in my heart to just be real, for that line to confirm that all that I have wanted and all my prayers were not a waste of my mental energy. Maybe next month I say to myself... maybe its too early to tell. Maybe maybe... maybe... a heart breaks over ... a maybe

Looking back...while going forward

They all say that you should never look back while you are on a road going forward. My question is why? I am happy where I am, and sometimes happy is not even a fraction of how I feel. I love Lisa. She is the greatest thing that has ever happen to me, my savior my everything. Now I cant say that there have not been days where we have both questioned why we even tried. And we both have been with one foot out the door ready to leave, but even with both feet out our heart never followed in our footsteps. We have both made our mistakes in this some that I will never forget and some that were seemed impossible to forgive, but we both knew that the biggest regret would be letting it all go. I still look back and I keep a rear view mirror of my life in my pocket not to trance in memories but to remember where i never want to be again. Not to say before Lisa everything was horrible, it wasn't good, but this right NOW is so much better.
Now hopefully we will be starting a NEW journey together creating a family between us.

Damn those Ovulation Predictors

STUPID things...

Some things you should know in case you need to know that I didnt know that I needed to know.

1.) Don't use more than one ovulation predictor at different times of the day

2.) Don't second guess IF the line is dark enough.... it probably is.

3.) Don't spend 200 bucks on lil sticks you piss on then throw away

4.) Dont't buy your stuff (if you need to do that) until you are 100% ready and know you are going to ovulated SOON

5.) Take a valium

6.) take another

7.) have a drink watch some L Word and go to bed

The terrible...2's, no 3', no 4's... Just THE TERRIBLES

Toddlers... YUCK... so my daughter is 4, or maybe it is 14 some days I am just not sure anymore. She has reached the age where she has discovered the art of talking back or sassing. And she takes pride in the fact she is a pro. You tell her the sky is blue and she will argue until you give in to that it is not exactly blue but a shade of blue but at night it is black.
She has the way of making any normal situation a very difficult and challenging moment, however her expertise lies in doing it in an oh so cute way. You tell her no she can't she says PLEASE... how can you resist manners, but we hold our ground and then she does it again, and again, and again...
It is hard for me to punish her, I am not the punisher. I am just not good at it, at all. She cries I feel like crap, I know not a good thing. I am a softy I know. Lisa is the warden... she does the punishing... but even the warden gets beat down sometimes.
It is incredibly hard to punish a child that is so cute.
SO we put her in time out... she cries and cries and screams and defies. She knows she wins. Now there are times when we rank supreme in the house... its rare but we do. So why not... lets add another one to the mix.

A possesed dog

Meet Bella, my 6 month old puggle. Adorable huh? About 12 pounds now, the most loving loyal dog I have ever had. Minds her own, doesn't leach herself to you like most puppies. She is a great...BIG 12 pounds of pure terror. Well why, you ask. She leaves me in fear to come home and take in all the damages that have occurred in my absence. Once we left her in complete confidence the 80 pound dog downstairs was sure to tear up his part of this house and te tiny 1o pound bundle of cuddles would lay on the bed and nibble on her bone, eat bon bons and watch some TV, much to our surprise. We come home to an entire bedroom in shambles, a huge moving box turned over and all its contents spread on the floor, a laundry hamper turned over, a night stand completely flipped and drawers empty and one empty glass that once contained some leftover white Russian...and well one drunk doggie.
The worst part of it all is, it is so hard to even be mad at her. When she ate my brand new Uggs.. I wanted to kill her... but within seconds she sucked me back in with her viciously cute eyes and ended up getting cuddles. When she ate half the wall... I wanted to send her to mexico then she pouted and made ME feel like I ate the wall. When she ate 3 pair of my daughters brand new shoes... I wanted to make a purse out of her... but then she wagged her tail and she wagged her way back into my heart.
All in all everyone at some point wants to kill their 4 legged terror, but when its all said and done their puppy dog eyes wins us over every time.

Keep on trucking..

So it has been a week since the massive container has been sitting in our living room with our potential children frozen. It's almost heart breaking to look at it everyday wondering when we can awake them from their frosty slumber and squirt them into potential life. Our new addiction is the sticks that take your urine and turn it into a couple lines or a smiley face that we have yet to see. The lines are faint but yet dark it all turns into a very confusing process. Like one that will never end... meanwhile our potential child sleeps frozen in our living room. And I still have yet to answer the four year olds question of what exactly that big container contains. She seems to belive it is a secret surprise we are holding on to until she is a perfect angel for an entire day... in that case... it would be there for years and years to come.

It's not lost with Tom Hanks

So, apparently 2 day delivery with Fed Ex is really less than 24 hours long. And apparently the shipment didn't venture on a plane with Tom Hanks and get lost on an island. What would he do with sperm anyway? SO it arrived today at 11am all boxed up. Inside are 20 million little guys. Inside are 20 millions hopes that one just ONE will work. That just one with ensure a crying, screaming, pooping machine. And that just one will make the next 9 months pure hell of eating everything and slowly morphing from a petite woman into a massive whale. The idea of a baby while looking at donors seemed like such a distant thought. Like yeah... we will do this next month. And now its here. In 7 days or less... it will all begin.
You would think by doing this once before 4 years ago I wouldn't be nervous or scared, I mean its just a kid, right???? Wrong! It is a life that I and my wife are responsible for. Sure I have one already but she is already here. Can't get cold feet about her. But this is planned, thought out and we even had to shell out half a grand. Now only if everyone in humanity had to pay money to get pregnant maybe there would be less dead beat parents.

Dont bank on it

Let me give you some life changing advice. When you think something is easy and you are going to breeze through it with no problems , take you r fist and as hard as you can punch yourself.

As easy as we thought the ordering of the "goods" was going to be it turned out to be pure hell. And papers magically disappeared and got lost in the land of never received faxes. After hours of trying to find the mysteriously missing papers, the donor you want has been sold out of the ICI. All you have left is something you know nothing about. After a phone call the the DR and hours of waiting for a call backing wondering if this is even going to happen. Doesn't anyone understand this is your heart on the line. A baby... something I have wanted for so long now. Do they not understand the delicacy of time here. It may seem silly to be stressing about donor number 1864. But after you read everything about this unknown person you find yourself envisioning 9 months of waiting 4 hours of a painful child birth and .05 seconds to fall completely in love as soon as that tiny little being rests in your arms. But as luck would have it more aggressive and might I say organized lucky people thought the same thing and bought all his juice. But I guess sometimes things happen for a reason. After a short search later new sperm was found and its in the mail... Fed Ex style.

Turkey Baster

For over a year now my "wife" ("" to indicate that there are some who do not believe in such and anti-christ term of two women being joined together to experience a life time of nagging and marital ummmm bliss as those who are technically heterosexual couples or aka closet cases) we have been discussing the baby factor. With a toddler already super glued to my ankle 20 hours out of the day it was a long discussion, we managed to get a few words in every month about it when we got some silence. Now here we sit a year and a half later with the four year old off to school this September we knew it was time to brave the storm of our own child.
We thought it would be a breeze. You go to the doctor get checked out, get the "stuff" and your pregnant. This now known as a ridiculous but yet wonderful thought was so far from the reality we have come to know as baby making from hell. Now granted I have one child from a previous junction many confirm as an acceptable sanction. I on the other hand do not confirm that nor do I agree. Though she, is wonderful, beautiful and gracious. The other part to her DNA is a blog for another day. In any event, lets talk baby making for lesbians 101.

So I am here to save those of you who are about ready to scream.... vicariously release your frustration, aggravation and anger towards those who have it so easy.

1.)- Make an appointment with your doctor to make sure all is well down under the hood. While some one night stands infused with Jack, Captn' Morgan, Wild Turkey and BUD in the heterosexual mating ritual do not have this luxury, use it if you do to ensure the health of you and your baby to be.

2.)-Look at your other half-in the good light- and see what qualities you want in those millions of little sperm. Remember to add your good looks to the mix.

3.)- Decide if you want to to an at home insemination with your lady at your side or between your legs rather or with the doctors head in your snatch. Once you decide this...

4.) Play the lottery- find a donor site that you like. There are hundreds. Pricing is different so is selection. Here are a few that I have found helpful in our search Fairfax, CLI.
If you do not have a doctor you can go to Northwest.
Although a physician is recommended. Once you have found a site that has the donor that you want. PLACE YOUR ORDER. From experience I can tell you that the one you find perfect is also perfect to the other thousands of greedy sperm shoppers too. As these lil guys are not so cheap so it is better to get what you want.

5.)- How do you want to do this? There are so many ways some seem technical and disgusting, such as the cervical cap. That to me just doesn't seem like much fun. Then there is the "turkey baster method" You can buy kits online for the insemination process that range about $75.00 or you can go to the drug store and buy a medicine syringe for a couple bucks.

This being the difficult life changing decision that it is, put your heat into it. Don' t look at the price per vial. This is s being you are going to create and carry with someone you love even if you are doing this solo. No mater if the cost is $60.00 per vial or $600.00 although some people get it fro free or the cost of a few drinks on a Saturday night. Remember this is a baby, that will eventually grow into an adolescent that will say... WHY DID YOU PICK THE NUMBER WITH THE BIG NOSE????